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How Obama Would Solve the NFL Labor Crisis

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Wayne Allyn Root
March 9, 2011

Some are now suggesting that President Obama get involved in the NFL strike talks. I was his college classmate at Columbia University and have studied his political career for years. My record of predicting where Obama will come down on the side of an issue and what lie he will tell to rationalize his decision is near perfect. Just call me “The Obama Whisperer.”

Here’s a quick lesson in how he thinks:

First, Obama believes in the redistribution of wealth. He hates those who have worked hard and earned money – unless they give him massive campaign contributions.

Second, he’s a union hack, who will do anything for unions, even break the law and violate the Constitution – at least for those unions that give him massive campaign contributions. Don’t believe me? Ask the shareholders and banks that loaned billions to GM and Chrysler, only to see their ownership and legal contracts erased by Obama in order to hand ownership to the unions that destroyed the automakers in the first place.

Third, Obama believes government has the solution to every problem. That solution is always more government and higher taxes, combined with a prescription of social justice and affirmative action.

Based on his lifetime body of work, here is how I predict Obama would settle the NFL labor crisis:

As with "Cap and Trade," Obama would produce scientists to declare that football is a dangerous sport threatening the health and welfare of the players. He'd then pass “Helmet and Trade” legislation putting government in control of football – setting salaries for players, prices for fans, and giving new powers to the NFL players' union.

Never one to let a crisis go to waste, Obama would then pass legislation, called "NFLCare," that mandates the NFL to pay for the lifetime pension and healthcare of the players, financed by massive new taxes on the NFL and its fans. The doctors who treat the NFL players would have caps placed on their fees. Of course, this would lead to shortages of doctors and rationing, so eventually "NFL Limb Panels" would be set up to decide who gets a new knee, shoulder, or hip. These decisions would be based on anticipated player life expectancy remaining – or the size of their contributions to the Obama campaign.

He’d then decide what income is “fair” and what is “greedy,” placing wage controls on players. Obama would say, “There is no longer a need for million-dollar salaries. After all, just like government union employees, I’m going to guarantee NFL players – even the failed ones – pensions of $100K per year for life and free healthcare. We’ll call it 'NFL Tenure.' It's just like a government job – guaranteed for life, without any performance necessary.”

Like American businesses, players would react to lower wages and higher taxes by leaving the US to play football in Canada and Europe, destroying the NFL. Obama, of course, would blame the “greedy NFL owners” for sending American jobs offshore and pass a huge tariff on each player leaving the States.

Then, Obama would state proudly, “We’ve got to spread the wealth around,” and pass ”NFL Financial Reform,” requiring ninety-five percent of revenues be redistributed to employees, vendors, peanut salesmen, ticket-takers, security guards, and parking lot attendants. A peanut vendor would be seen crying and telling a reporter, “I’ll never have to worry about paying rent or putting gas in my car ever again.”

But, Obama would just be getting started. Fifty-percent ownership of NFL teams would be turned over to the players' union, just as in the case of GM and Chrysler. Obama would state, “The working man needs a stake in his own future.”  This legislation would also demand teams have a visible-minority owner in their ownership group and 50% of all NFL contracts be awarded to minority-owned businesses. Not losing the opportunity for a teachable moment, Obama would say, “The NFL must reflect the diversity of America. It is time for the ownership, players, and contractors to practice social justice. To get this party started correctly, I have fired Commissioner Goodall and appointed Reverend Sharpton as Commissioner of the NFL.”

Next he’d pass rules limiting work hours for players and declare off-season workouts as “overtime.” The White House would set up a toll-free number for players to call the Bar Association – one of Obama’s leading contributors – which would provide lawyers free of charge to sue NFL teams within hours of a reported violation. 

Finally, various new taxes would be imposed, including "draft taxes,” “trade taxes,” and a "championship tax" (doubling taxes on playoff teams; tripling on the Super Bowl winner). He’d impose VAT taxes on everything bought at the games and a "wealthy fan confiscation tax” for prime, sideline seats. Skyboxes, of course, would be seized for the use of government officials, bureaucrats, politicians, and Obama campaign contributors.

At this point, NFL owners would plead insolvency and threaten bankruptcy. Obama would ask “So, what’s in it for me?”  Understanding EXACTLY what he means, the owners would make massive campaign contributions to Obama and receive billion-dollar bailouts from the US Treasury as part of his next “stimulus” package.

Problem solved. NFL strike/lockout averted. Obama does it again! How did business ever survive before him?

Wayne Allyn Root is the Chairman of the Libertarian Party's National Congressional Committee and served as the Party's 2008 nominee for US Vice President. He is the author of the best-selling book, "The Conscience of a Libertarian: Empowering the Citizen Revolution with God, Guns, Gold & Tax Cuts." His website is www.ROOTforAmerica.com.

Please note: Neither Wayne Allyn Root nor the Libertarian Party are affiliated with Euro Pacific Capital. This author's views are his own and are not endorsed by Euro Pacific Capital.